My Star Trek Year

14 Borg Catchphrases That Didn't Make The Cut

14 Borg Catchphrases That Didn't Make The Cut
By William I. Lengeman III

14. I'm not just the president of the Cybernetic Implant Club, I'm also a client.
13. If this cube's a rockin', don't come a knockin'.
12. Hey, hey, we're the Borg.
11. We are the Borg. Lower your shields and show us your tits.
10. I'd like to teach the world to sing.
9. Assimilation - it does a body good.
8. Strength is irrelevant. U can't touch this.
7. I wish this cube was going to Hardees.
6. Gas, grass or assimilation - nobody rides for free.
5. This is your brain. This is your brain on nanoprobes.
4. No fat chicks.
3. Pardon me, would you have any Grey Poupon?
2. Resistance is probably not gonna get you anywhere, but go ahead and give it a shot if it'll make you feel better. Just don't say we didn't warn you.
1. Prepare to be tickled.

TNG - The Schizoid Man

The Schizoid Man
Star Trek: The Next Generation
Season 2, Episode 6

In which a brilliant but egocentric and crotchety (and totally stereotypical) old scientist transfers his essence into Data. At which point crew members turn into drooling dullards who take forever to latch onto the obvious and the villain morphs into the standard villain from central casting. Ho hum.

(viewed 12/24/2009)

TNG - Violations

Violations
Star Trek: The Next Generation
Season 5, Episode 12

Telepathic aliens come aboard and certain crew members begin to lapse into comas. Turns out there's a bad egg in the alien bunch doing nasty things. Includes a nice scene with the normally mousy Troi going nuts and working over the bad guy. Otherwise dull as dirt.

(viewed 12/23/2009)

TNG - Imaginary Friend

Imaginary Friend
Star Trek: The Next Generation
Season 5, Episode 22

Though TNG did a number of things quite well, I've always found it hard to swallow the notion that kids might be present on a starship. Given the nature of the job and the risks involved it doesn't seem to ring true. And even though I've seen some kid episodes lately that weren't so bad this one kind of bit the big one. The premise - a kid's imaginary friend becomes real. The thoroughly predictable twist - the imaginary friend is not really the imaginary friend at all. 

(viewed 10/21/2009)

TNG - Contagion

Contagion
Star Trek: The Next Generation
Season 2, Episode 11

An interesting and somewhat engaging episode finds a virus destroying a Starfleet ship, then plaguing the Enterprise and its Romulan antagonists. Ends up with a fairly straightforward race to find a solution type of plot, but things are rather well-handled throughout.

(viewed 10/07/2009)

TNG - Symbiosis

Symbiosis
Star Trek: The Next Generation
Season 1, Episode 21

Drugs are bad, kids. If you didn't already know it, this episode will bat you over the head with the point until your brains start to ooze out through your nose. A planet of drug dealers face off with their "customers" aboard the Enterprise. Could it have been any more heavy handed? Doubt it.

(viewed 09/30/2009)

TNG - Realm Of Fear

Realm Of Fear
Star Trek: The Next Generation
Season 6, Episode 2

It's another episode that zeroes in on the trials and tribulations of Reg Barclay - the Star Trek universe's verion of Don Knotts (minus the comedy). This time around his fear of the transporter is enhanced considerably by the weird little beasties he encounters while traveling therein. All of which never actually seems to go anywhere, story wise.

(viewed 09/27/2009)

Enterprise - Babel One

Babel One
Star Trek: Enterprise
Season 4, Episode 12

Enterprise gets mixed up in a pissing match between the cranky Andorians (Blue Man Group) and the cranky Tellarites (the Pig-Faced Race). There's a whole lotta fussing going on but not much comes of it even though before it's all over the Romulans have dropped by to put in an appearance. 

(viewed 09/21/2009)

TNG - Time's Arrow

Time's Arrow
Star Trek: The Next Generation
Season 5/6, Episode 26/1

One of my great Star Trek-related pet peeves is the episodes - and there's a lot of 'em - where the characters prance around in period costumes for whatever flimsy reason the writing and production staff has cooked up. This time the crew are chasing malevolent aliens around in ninenteenth century San Francisco. Prominently featured, a Mark Twain impersonator so annoying that one would like to bludgeon him into oblivion with a stack of Huck Finn hardcovers. 

(viewed 09/17/2009)

TNG - The Next Phase

The Next Phase
Star Trek: The Next Generation
Season 5, Episode 24

Geordi and Ro are missing and presumed dead after a transport back to the ship goes awry. Oopsie. But the pair find themselves on the ship, where no one can see them. What gives? Not so bad, this one, with some interesting chemistry between two rather disparate characters.

(viewed 09/11/2009)

TNG - New Ground

New Ground
Star Trek: The Next Generation
Season 5, Episode 10

Father Knows Best - TNG style - with Worf as the dad. An interesting enough look at Worf's troubles handling his son after the kid comes to Enterprise to stay. All of which would have been a lot better if they'd nixed the superfluous "energy wave about to destroy a planet" plot and the finale, which finds Worf and Riker saving the kid from a fire. Good grief.

(viewed 09/10/2009)

TNG - The Game

The Game
Star Trek: The Next Generation
Season 5, Episode 6

Young Crusher and Ensign Lefler (Ashley Judd) get friendly and pull a Hardy Boys/Nancy Drew routine as they investigate the insidious effects of an unusually intriguing videogame. Which looks to be about as sophisticated as Pong, but let's keep in mind that this aired about two decades ago and cut them a break.

(viewed 09/08/2009)

TNG - The Host

The Host
Star Trek: The Next Generation
Season 4, Episode 23

A snoozeroo of an episode in which it turns out that Dr. Crusher's new love interest in actually a humanoid playing host to some kind of creepy-crawly parasite lifted from Alien. No chest-bursting scenes or anything like that thought it might have livened things up a bit.

(viewed 09/06/2009)

Enterprise - Kir'Shara

Kir'Shara
Star Trek: Enterprise 
Season 4, Episode 9

The Vulcan trilogy concludes with T'Pol and Archer being chased through the desert by power-mad Vulcans while Enterprise and the Andorians unite to face off against the same.

(viewed 09/05/2009)

Enterprise - Awakening

Awakening
Star Trek: Enterprise 
Season 4, Episode 8

The Dune thread continues as Vulcan dissidents discover that Archer now harbors Surak's "essence" and try to get it out. In the meantime they're bombarded almost into oblivion by the Vulcan High Command, an attack which results in the death of T'Pol's mother.

(viewed 09/04/2009)

Enterprise - The Forge

The Forge
Star Trek: Enterprise 
Season 4, Episode 7

In which the Enterprise gang enter into Dune territory. The episode finds Archer and T'Pol braving the deserts of Vulcan after an attack on the Earth embassy there. Not so bad, actually.

(viewed 09/03/2009)

TNG - Hero Worship

Hero Worship
Star Trek: The Next Generation
Season 5, Episode 11

Given the Star Trek franchise's somewhat dismal record with kid episodes, one tends to approach them with some measure of trepidation. This one was nothing to be worried about, however. A young boy, sole survivor of an attack on his ship, forms a close attachment to his rescuer, Data. Which all could have gone terribly wrong but was reasonably well-handled. Includes another of those great moments of Data whimsy, this one which finds him attempting to yawn. 

(viewed 09/02/2009)

TNG - Power Play

Power Play
Star Trek: The Next Generation
Season 5, Episode 15

After being possessed by something or other, Troi, Data and O'Brien take over the ship and proceed to spend an inordinate amount of time growling and barking at their hostages. 

(viewed 09/01/2009)

Enterprise - Azati Prime

Azati Prime
Star Trek: Enterprise
Season 3, Episode 18

Hot on the heels of the Xindi, Archer ends up in their clutches and the ship is attacked by the same. Interesting to see an attack where real damage and casualties are inflicted as opposed to simply having people bounced around in their seats a bit.

(viewed 08/30/2009)

TNG - Conundrum

Conundrum
Star Trek: The Next Generation
Season 5, Episode 14

Crew members lose just the right bits of their memory to allow this shaky plot to advance. Overlook these goofy lapses of logic and the episode is not half bad. 

(viewed 08/27/2009)

TNG - Silicon Avatar

Silicon Avatar
Star Trek: The Next Generation
Season 5, Episode 4

A great silicon monster is on the rampage. Picard gets all touchy-feely and wants to communicate with it. A visiting scientist - who hates Data at first but then becomes pals with him - votes for wiping out the creature and makes her wish come true before it's all over.

(viewed 08/25/2009)

TNG - Ensign Ro

Ensign Ro
Star Trek: The Next Generation
Season 5, Episode 3

Sparks fly as the Bajoran Ensign Ro comes aboard to aid in an investigation of an alleged Bajoran terrorist attack on a Federation colony. Intrigue abounds and fur flies thanks to the Ensign's pissy attitude. A nice contrast, actually, to the nicey nice stuff that seems so prevalent on much of Star Trek.

(viewed 08/23/2009)

TNG - Half A Life

Half A Life
Star Trek: The Next Generation
Season 4, Episode 22

Troi's mom turns up again in an episode that finds her falling for a scientist who must go to his home planet to commit ritual suicide. He rebels at first and then decides to go through with it. A decidedly more low-key and less annoying outing for the typically grating Mama Troi. 

(viewed 08/23/2009)

TNG - The Masterpiece Society

The Masterpiece Society
Star Trek: The Next Generation
Season 5, Episode 13

A genetically engineered insular society is about to be wiped out by a stellar core fragment. Don't you just hate when that happens? Enterprise happens along to save the day and stirs up the previously contented populace in the process. 

(viewed 08/20/2009)

Enterprise - Hatchery

Hatchery
Star Trek: Enterprise
Season 3, Episode 17

I have to confess that I wasn't expecting much from an episode about Xindi eggs. Imagine my surprise when it turned out to be one of the better episodes (and not just Enterprise) that I've seen for a while. Archer faces off with his senior officers over his obsession with caring for and protecting said eggs, an obsession that may have disastrous results. A mutiny ensues, complete with some geuinely worthwhile moments of drama.

(viewed 08/19/2009)

TNG - Darmok

Darmok
Star Trek: The Next Generation
Season 5, Episode 2

Picard and a Tamarian captain find themselves engaging in the spirit of cooperation (after an uneasy getting to know each other period) and overcoming their language barriers so that they can fight against a mean beastie haunting the planet they're stranded on. Thoughout all of this one can hardly help being reminded of the Gorn and Abraham Lincoln episodes from TOS.

(viewed 08/19/2009)